Just a bunch of stuff put together about weddings in the ASOIAF universe for those looking to write them. Specifically, how weddings run in Westeros. This goes under a read more, for the post is long.

1) Nobody can be COMPELLED to marry. They need to say the words and if it’s done under sword point, it might be dissolved later. That said, it’s expected you’ll marry who your lord or his liege commands and if you don’t, you might be estranged from your family, and the ironborn can marry someone by proxy (with a seal in the place of a person, the iron born are weird.)

2) The Targaryens occasionally took more than one woman as a wife. The Ironborn also sometimes have more than one wife – an ironborn ‘rock wife’ and ‘salt wives’ taken on raids (because that’s not coercion at all). The children of salt wives are not considered bastards, but they come AFTER the children of rock wives status wise. 

3) Marriage contracts take forever to negotiate and they address all sorts of possibilities – land, inheritance, dowries, etc. Once a betrothal is made, you better have a GOOD reason to break it (infidelity, inability to fulfill property or income agreements in the contract, somebody died and you must fulfill their betrothal, you found out they have another contract, an inability to seal the alliance with children (infertility), etc.). Breaking a betrothal is a BIG deal and you might cause a lot more than hurt feelings. You might cause very real political damage with the people you were trying to ally with. 

4) So, how do you choose a partner? There’s several factors, some more important than others.

– Rank: This is one of, if not the most important thing to consider. If the parties are not of similar rank, this is going to get tricky. Marrying one rank up or down doesn’t seem to be scoffed at (for instance, nobody thinks, for example, that Mace Tyrell is weak because he married down to Alerie Hightower). More than one rank though and you’re going to need a very good reason for the marriage to happen. And marriages to lowborn people are vanishingly rare. That’s why Asha couldn’t marry Qarl even though she’d love to.

– Position in Family: Another super important factor. Is the person being married a ruling Lord or Lady? What about an heir? Are they the eldest daughter (who traditionally has choicest pick of gentlemen callers)? Are they true born or bastards? If they’re dynastically important, the family will be much pickier. Younger sons or daughters are much more likely to marry a household knight (or their daughter) or a minor bannerman than an older child, who is likelier to marry a major bannerman, if not marry up. 

– Political Context: This just always needs to be in mind. Does the husband have another wife? Is their land in a dangerous or contested spot? What’s their influence in the capitol like, if any? If your marriage making plans don’t make sense, the marriage is going to look shabbier or hastier to everyone else in Westeros.

– Age: In Westeros, we all know their treatment of age with regards to marriage is absolutely gross. We don’t need to be told that. Age isn’t treated as a major factor and indeed, young women have been married off to gross old men as a punishment (see poor Sylva Santigar for details). That said, even in Westeros, it’s generally considered more comfortable if they’re close in age, like with Joffrey and Sansa being considered perfect because they were the same age. This also makes sense dynastically speaking because they wouldn’t have to wait long for children. Or, alternatively, if you’re an elderly person looking for companionship before you die, you’ll probably pick someone closer to your own age and experiences. 

– Religion:  Again, not the biggest deal for most of Westeros, but I can easily imagine someone super pious wanting a spouse of the same religion.

– Personal Well Being: Since we’re playing a feudal dynastic game, this is barely a concern. That said, a decently loving family will probably want to look out for their family’s well being. They’re probably not eager to give their child in marriage to someone actively dangerous for them after all. Plus, dynastically speaking, it would render any alliance gained moot. Also, an older person looking for a second or third marriage, or again, an elderly person looking for companionship, would likely consider how well they got along. 

– Health: Somewhat important. If the point is to seal an alliance via babies, you want someone who can survive consummation, pregnancy, birth, and raising those children. One of the most important things Catelyn considered when looking for a bride for Robb was how good their hips were. IIRC, she didn’t want Robb to marry a Whent because their health tended to be delicate. Again, if you make an alliance only to immediately lose it when the person dies, what was the point of it in the first place? A good example of this is how nobody wanted to marry Shireen because she had greyscale.

– Wealth: Fairly important. You want an alliance partner to bring something to the table. It’s less about coinage and more about resources. Do they  have lots of land, minerals, livestock, industry, etc.?

– Appearance: Not exactly a first concern, but it’s somewhat a factor, simply because a good looking person is more likely to get lots of offers.  

– Region: Most marriages take place between houses of the same region. This isn’t a hard and fast law, but your alliances are more likely to be useful when they live next door and not five days away in a region you’ve never seen.

– Former marriages or children: This is important because if they already have children, YOUR children won’t get any inheritance from your spouse. If you’re going to marry, you have to be okay with that. Tends to work for marrying off younger children or when you look for step parents, but it might also be a deal breaker for someone looking for a first marriage. Never even mind in the Iron Islands, where wives might have to compete.

– Reputation: Important. You don’t want to marry your kid off to someone with a poor reputation. Knightly orders, people closely connected to important people, well reputed for honesty or honour are good things. An oathbreaker or drunkard will have a harder go than normal.

5) According to the Wedding Knight PDF from the Game of Thrones edition of the Green ronin RP game, weddings are traditionally hosted by the bride’s family. 

6) Likewise, according to the same, wedding dresses are traditionally white. This gels with the books, where the wedding dresses I recall being described (Jeyne’s, Sansa’s, and Margaery’s are all white). Now, to be fair, Sansa is a Stark and Jeyne was disguised as Arya, so they would both be using Stark colours. It also fits with the Seven, where white is seen as a colour of innocence and thus might be more appropriate to a maiden. It’s also a colour Septons and Septas wear most of the time (along with rainbows) and on Maiden’s Day girls light white candles. While none of that would apply to the Old Gods (or offshoots of the Old Gods like the Drowned God), I can see white catching on as a wedding colour regardless. If nothing else, it shows wealth if you can keep white clean. 

This isn’t like the real middle ages, btw. Blue was the traditional innocence and purity colour then. Women basically wore whatever colour they wanted, albeit with different cultural traditions surrounding omens and such.

Notes: For five and six, ‘traditional’ in this sense most likely does not mean ‘binding’. We see numerous examples of weddings that are not at the bride’s home and I’m sure plenty of Westerosi ladies wore other colours to their weddings. I wouldn’t be surprised if house colours were involved. Not that it matters overmuch – they change for the feast, and those colours can be whatever they want (though likely house colours).

7) Weddings in Westeros (or, at least highborn ones) involve a dowry, a dower (as per Tywin and Hoster discussing one for Lysa and Jaime) and a bride price (as per Barristan’s comments). These are three different things.

– A dowry: A dowry is property or income a woman is bringing into the marriage, a payment from her family to her husband’s. It’s meant to help build the new family and also for income security. In the rare (nearly non-existent in Westeros) circumstance of divorce, I believe she gets the dowry back, but if she dies, the money either goes to her children or returns to her family.

– A dower: A dower is a sum of property or income designed to protect a wife if she becomes widowed. Since men are the primary breadwinners in Westeros, this is done so as not to leave a widow destitute. This income or property comes from the groom’s family. If the couple divorces, she does not get the dower (although some societies allow her to keep it if she has just cause, I doubt Westeros works like that). This money is traditionally given to the bride by the groom on the morning of the wedding. This money is HER’S. Unlike the dowry, which is often used by both spouses, her husband cannot touch her dower. Usually this means her representative (usually a male relative) is in charge of executing it, but she can be bequeath it to whoever she wants.

– A bride price: A bride price is money paid by the groom’s family to the bride’s. This is meant as a sort of ‘thank you’ for raising her and also to compensate them for the loss of their daughter – physically, emotionally, and financially. Calculating these can be complex and depend on numerous factors. Appearance, skills, how smart she is, how healthy she is, etc. I’m fairly sure this is what Cersei refers to as ‘selling women off like livestock’. In the case of divorce, you can get the bride price back in many societies, and some also allow you to get it back if she dies (particularly if she’s childless). I imagine that’s much the same in Westeros.

8) There are at least two feasts traditionally thrown for the wedding – a welcoming one to welcome all the guests, and the actual wedding feast.

9) It’s traditional to throw a hunt just before the wedding. All the men in the wedding party and any ladies who wish to accompany them are allowed to go. This is done as a show of magnanimity by the lord who is supposed to open his land to his guests, and also to provide sport for the restless party. In return, anything caught on the hunt is supposed to go on the lord’s table for the wedding feast.

10)  Different regions have different local traditions for a wedding day. Case in point, the Reach has a wedding breakfast where the bride and groom SEPARATELY receive their gifts. 

11) Ceremonies vary by religion

– The Faith of the Seven: This one is LONG. It begins with the septon in a sept reciting several prayers and readings. The groom is between the alter of the Mother and Father but the bride is outside the room. Next, the bride is presented, being walked down the Isle by her father or a close male relative (or, sometimes, a liege lord if a close male relative isn’t there). The bride is on the left and the groom to the right. The father presents the bride to the groom, and the groom lifts her veil (if she’s wearing one). The groom removes his bride’s maiden’s cloak (or bride’s cloak if she’s a widow) and gives her one of his own house. The septon says they’re there to join them in a union, and ties their hands together in a ritual knot. They make their final vows, kiss, and the guests applaud. Guests stand in two columns in front of the couple to watch the wedding. 

– The Old Gods of the Forest: The ceremony is performed by the head of the groom’s family. It’s at night, in the godswood, in front of a weirwood preferably. The guests carry torches to watch. The bride is led by her father (or again, a close relative). The person performing the ceremony asks who comes before the old gods and a few ritual lines are exchanged where the man gives the bride. The officiator asks the bride if she will take the groom, and when she says yes, the couple hold hands and kneel before the heart tree for a moment of silent prayer and then they’re done. The groom removes the maiden’s (or bride’s) cloak, give them a cloak of their husband’s house, and carries her to the feast in his arms.

– The Drowned God: They’re officiated by a priest of the Drowned God and tend to be very solemn. Salt wife weddings tend to be more fun, and that is all we know. Since Drowned God priests seem to do their ritual work on the shore, it seems probably iron born weddings are at the beach. I wonder if they have to drown for them? Maybe they wade into the water or get water dunked all over them. We’re not sure. We’ve never seen an iron born wedding. Since the Drowned God is an offshoot of the Old Gods, they likely also have some sort of bridal cloak custom, probably after whatever blessings and ritual immersion in water is done.

– R’hllor: The ceremony is conducted by a member of the clergy. The bride is escorted to the clergy person who asks the bride to identify herself and who comes to claim her. They ask the bride and groom if they will share their fire with their spouse to be to warm them when the night is dark and full of terrors. The bride and groom jump over a bonfire built in a ditch and by doing so, their souls become one to the Lord of Light. Then the groom removes the maiden’s (or bride’s) cloak and gives her the cloak representing his house.

12) After the wedding, there’s the reception. This has dancing, music, poems, basically whatever kind of entertainment you want (which is likely regional). This is all done along with the wedding feast. There might be tourney to celebrate, but melee’s aren’t traditional (I’m sure they occur but it’s not a custom). ALSO. IMPORTANT – It is considered bad luck to deny a knight your hospitality on your wedding day. 

13) At the end of the feast, the highest ranking person in attendance calls for the bedding. Men carry the bride off, stripping her clothes and telling dirty jokes, women do the same with the groom, and sometimes they might be yelling encouragement or advice outside the door (or, god forbid, witnesses). This is done to ensure consummation. Not all weddings require a bedding ceremony, but Westeros does require consummation. This seems to be a custom for the Faith, the Old Gods, and the Drowned God, so it’s a universal across Westeros. After this the wedding is over. From this point on, they are married and if you don’t like it, well it just sucks to suck. And even if the wedding isn’t consummated for whatever reason, it’s bad luck for spouses to sleep apart on their wedding night. Brides are expected to be maidens (i.e. virgins), but if the couple gets married later, it’s not considered dishonouring (sex without a later betrothal was likely the dishonour Ashara experienced at Harrenhal, as it would have impacted her marriageability – not ruined it completely, you can marry somewhat decently even if you’re not a virgin, but definitely having an impact).

14) Women may or may NOT take their husband’s name. If they’re of the same rank, it’s pretty much up to her. If she outranks him, she very well might continue using her higher status maiden name. Plenty of women use their husband’s name and in fact most likely do, but it’s not a requirement in Westeros (at least, not among the same ranked or when the woman is higher).

15)  Annulment is incredibly hard to get in the Faith of the Seven – you better hope the High Septon or the Council of Faith is inclined to give you one (this is easier if its not consummated, the marriage is bigamous, there was an unbroken prior betrothal, or if the vows were made under false pretences, but it’s possible even if you’ve had children – Renly didn’t think it was impossible for Cersei to be set aside in favour of Margaery, Tysha and Tyrion’s marriage was annulled, etc) and while you don’t need to be there for it, you need to make the request yourself. It’s easier to just move apart. Or, if you’re THAT committed to getting away, you could join the Faith or Night’s Watch. 

Note: It’s much much easier to annul a marriage in the Old Gods religion (and, likely, the Drowned God as well) – all you need to do is tell your spouse that they’re no longer your spouse in front of public witnesses, at least according to Elio and Linda’s correspondence when discussing The World of Ice and Fire. R’hllor might require permission from the clergy in addition, but I find that unlikely for the Ironborn, since they seem fairly independent and in many ways closer to the Old Gods simplicity. I’m not sure if there are any special conditions to make this announcement but if they exist, they would likely be similar to grounds for annulment in the Faith of the Seven (with the exception of bigamy for the ironborn – they really really don’t care about that). Honestly, even if they don’t have conditions that doesn’t necessarily mean an unhappy marriage will be annulled since that requires spitting in the eye of the family you’re trying to make an alliance with. Breaking a betrothal is messy enough, breaking a marriage is just BEGGING for trouble.